Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
True strength comes from lack of pants
Randomize
