I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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