I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Randomize
