I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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