this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
