you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
