Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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