Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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