yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
