Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
