Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
