that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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