Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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