after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
