I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
