i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
