the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
