I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
