he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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