true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
