so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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