I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
