I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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