My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
