Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
