How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
