one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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