i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
