Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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