I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
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