I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
