i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
