I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
