I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
