i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
