If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
we're making bets on your personal life
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
