I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
