today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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