i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
