my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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