I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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