i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
