I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
