I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
