2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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