woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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