I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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