i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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