I'm gonna have a badass scar
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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