I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
